So, cancer...

It is coming for me.

My family does not have a good history of beating cancer (of course I guess nobody does).  Looking at both sides of my family is enough to make an oncologist drool (or rather an insurance executive).  On my father's side one uncle died in his 30s, my father at 54, my aunt in her 50s, my grandmother in her early 60s and my uncle is living with the disease right now, he is in his 50s.  My mother's side is a bit better, only one person has died from cancer, my grandfather in his early 60s, however (which is just a fancy way of saying but) my uncle, 50s, and grandmother have both had cancer.

Cancer feels like a black storm cloud creeping over my head with all the thunder your ears can handle.  I think about it, at least two or three times a week.  I think how it took so much from my family and how it takes so much from all those that have had to deal with seeing loved ones wither away to nothing.  How because of that disease my sister did not get to walk down the aisle with my father, how my kids will not get to meet their grandfather, how it hurt my sister and my mother, etc.

It scares me, a lot.  I have no desire to go thru a treatment that can be as painful as what my father went thru (tho I will, if need be).  I do not want to burden my children.

Then I think about what I can do to delay the inevitable (and believe me, it's inevitable).  I do not smoke, and I never have.  My father started smoking when he was 14 years old, and I will not do it.  I did things for my father that no son should ever have to do near the end (how did I not see his death coming?), and I know smoking was a huge part of that.

I have lost a lot of weight (the equivalent of both my kids' weights), and I am active at Crossfit (grunt...push press...grunt...squat...grunt...burpee).  I know that being active and throwing that kettle bell over my head is helping me fight for more years, days, hours or even minutes.  Sometimes I sit after a workout, watching the sweat drip from my nose, fingers and elbows and I imagine how much more time I have bought (I don't have a formula).  Putting more tread on the tires, people.

I try to be as positive as possible (much easier to do when looking at somebody else than myself). This may sound new-agey or touchy-feely, but I believe if you think you can do it, you probably can (please don't try to fly).  There are things I am going thru now that I truly believe will happen because I am willing to put the time in and I will maintain a positive outlook.  This applies to my thoughts on cancer, as well.  I believe that negativity can affect (or is it effect, I always mix those two up) you physically.  Am I always positive, um...no, that would be annoying and an outright lie, but like I told somebody recently, I will believe enough for both of us.  I try to do that, really.

I go to a doctor when I notice something is wrong with me (novel idea, I know).  I just had this conversation with a friend of mine about our fathers, they did not go to doctors.  I do not know why, perhaps it was because of the fear of the unknown becoming known, not having time, or not wanting to pick up the phone and make an appointment (was it just our two dads that made their wives make appointments?).  I have no problem asking for help, even if it is uncomfortable (guys buckle up for the Q-tip from hell, if you ever get tested for std's and calm down, it was the responsible thing to do).

Perhaps one of the more driving factors that will delay that impending storm from opening up on me is I have some really exciting goals I want to accomplish.  I want to walk my daughter down the aisle, I want to coach my son in baseball, I want to finish school, I want to get married again, I want to become a grandfather, and I want to see Sweden, Australia, Hawaii and any other place that my Powerball winnings will take me.  I believe when you lose your purpose, you tend to lose the fight (which is also why my career will never be my true purpose).  I want a future and I want that future to be filled with as many memories as possible.

Who knows if a cure will be found in my lifetime, but I am not going to sit around and wait. I am going to do what I can, when I can.

Cancer.  It is coming for me, but it is going to have to catch me first.