So, at some point it is out of your hands

I am sitting here with about a million things running thru my head (they are each going about 60mph and running into each other, too).  I am trying to figure out what I can do to make something happen, but I am at a loss.

I want to find a job, I am tired of sitting at home.  I am tired of feeling like I am not contributing to...well...anything.  I want to feel like I am worth something.

All that said, I know I am doing every thing I can possibly do.  I can not make the phone ring simply by looking at it (trust me, I have tried).  I can not make those emails saying "thank you for your interest in blah, blah, blah company..." go away (again, I have tried).

I need to embrace one of my mantras, I can not control what others do, only what I do.  This has been particularly hard recently.  I am not sure if it is because I am feeling pressure from family (I am), internal pressure (I am) or if it is because of the holidays (??), all I know is I have lost sleep over not being able to control what others do (have my kids taught me nothing?).

I need to realize that I have done everything I can.  It is out of my hands (much like when you press send on a text).  All I can do is continue to prove to myself that I will succeed and eventually a company is going to get a helluva person.  I know that once I am given an opportunity, I will make the most of it.  Whatever somebody sitting in a cubicle decides to do, is not within my power. 

Who am I kidding?  While this is easy to type, I am sure I will toss and turn tonight trying to figure out what the next step is.

So, being sore

Man, I love what Crossfit can do to my body.  I love being sore and I love being exhausted.

Today was a work out that is definitely not my strength (tho, that's why I'm going, right?).  All upper body, bench press (I'm tough!) and pull ups.  These are the days I know that I will have to do extra work after, because I know that I will not be able to last as long as I can during most of the other work outs (I wasn't wrong).

That said, these are slowly becoming my favorite work outs.  I may not be putting in as much time, but I am feeling sore quicker.  A group of us decided to run after we finished the upper body work out, and a couple of us agree that our arms just felt like dead weight (or really heavy spaghetti...mmmmmspaghetti).  I enjoy working on my weaknesses and I enjoy overcoming them.

Why is it that I love working on my physical weaknesses, yet I do not believe I am working on my other weaknesses (we will call them life weaknesses, because...well...why not?)?  I am always open to answers, if you have any.

Maybe it is because the physical is easier to measure.  Eh, I doubt that.  I mean really, is it that hard to measure having a job, getting good grades, sleeping well, eating well, having energy...yeah I did not think so.

Maybe it is because the physical stuff is easier.  Again, I am going to have to disagree with myself (really, who wouldn't?).  Walking into the gym for the first time over 18 months ago was a lot harder than most of the stuff I am trying to accomplish outside of the gym.

No, I am pretty sure it is because I do not feel sore.  Of course, like most of my entries, there is always a hidden meaning (not the anti-Caillou rants, those are pretty straightforward).  When I leave Crossfit Latrobe, I either feel wiped out immediately or the soreness comes soon after.  It feels like I have accomplished something.  So far, I am not feeling that sense of "soreness" in a lot of other areas in my life.  Do not get me wrong, I have some really great things going for me (but despite my desire to be positive, the negative things get the most attention, like negative ads in a political race), but I want to feel sore after getting a job, getting good grades,  sleeping thru the night, etc.

I guess I will just have to keep working to get that feeling of soreness, because there is no other option I am willing to accept.

*

*as a public service announcment, don't look up sore in a google image search, if you're looking for soreness.

So, wanna get in the Holiday mood

So, the 13 things that annoy me that should not...

In honor of Friday the 13th (my daughter is born on a 13th, I should've seen half the stuff she does coming), I came up with a list of 13 things that I should 100%, absobucnlutely, not care about, but I do.

13. The Express check-out line.  If the check out line says 12 items or less, then you should have 12 ITEMS OR LESS!  Is it really that hard to count to 12?

11...er, I mean 12. Lack of traffic etiquette.  If I let you merge in front of me, give me a wave, a nod, a thumbs up, a job, basically anything saying "thanks for letting me in so I can now pump my breaks so much you will get car sick."  I mean really people, even if you are talking on your phone, acknowledge that somebody did something nice.

11 (for real).  Corporations phasing out humans.  Automated phone systems need to go away.  I get the cost factor, but I hate them all the same.  The worst ones are the ones that hitting zero does not automatically take you to a real person (I'm unemployed, somebody talk to me!!).

10.  Caillou...little bastard.

9.  One-Uppers.  If you want to try to one-up me, bring it on.  As a member of the one-upper club, I am a self loather, I admit it (I bet I admitted it before you did).

8.  Giving my kids a bath.  I do it because I do not want them to stink like my car after a week of leaving Crossfit gear on the front seat.  I hate it though.  They splash every where, Ave hates getting her hair washed, they never want to get out (even when their lips are blue from the water turning into ice) and they are so wound up after I want to slip them some Ambien (as far as you know I haven't).

7.  Non-Heinz Ketchup.  I am from Pittsburgh, if you try to pass that Hunts crap off on me, I will get fired up.  Seriously, Heinz is one of two products that no matter how broke I may be, I will always buy.  The other one is...

6.  Jiff Peanut Butter.  I tried some cheaper brand, but like those choosey moms, I prefer Jiff.  Peter Pan and Skippy can bite my Jiff-eating arse.  As an aside, if you have a hyper active dog, when you are at the end of the jar, just give it to the pup and they will be busy for a long time.

5.  Double Unders.  This is where you try to get a jump rope around twice per jump, as opposed to once.  I whip myself in the shins, the toes, the arms, the head, basically if I have the body part, it has been treated to a welt.  I did 30+ in a row once...once, after over 18 months of trying.  I can usually get 7-8 now, but they are the worst thing Crossfit makes me do.  Also, how do I make my shoulders sore by jumping rope, I am a moron.

4.  Not being super early for something.  Please do not misunderstand this, I do not mind being late, if I am with somebody.  For some reason, if it is just me, I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to be early.  I get to Crossfit Latrobe at least 30 minutes early every day.  I do not know why, actually I do, I am insane.

3.  Not being asked how I am doing/told hello by a cashier.  Yep, this one annoys me.  Maybe it is from working retail in high school and college (thank you for calling Champs Sports, home of the buy 78 coats get one free offer, how may I help you today?) or maybe it is from some weird Freudian-type abandonment issues, but I wait for that greeting from them, and if I do not get it, I chalk them up as the scum of the Earth.

2.  Overly insane sports fans (coughsomesteelerfanscough).  You are not a coach, you will never be a coach and for the love of all that is holy, just because you played JV elementary ball you are not an expert.  I listen to sports talk radio on occasion, I was unaware of how many coaches the Pittsburgh-area sports teams had.

1. Hearing about somebody's new hobby.  Speaking of hobbies, have you heard of Crossfit? It is the greatest thing ever, it keeps me sane, it has helped me lose around 75 pounds, it has improved my life, it has introduced me to amazing people, it pushes me, it centers me, it makes me happy, it makes me sweat, but does everybody need to hear about that...yes, yes you do.  Deal with it and do not let the little things annoy you.

So, what can I do?

I once had a friend tell me I was "so lucky".  I have already covered why I am lucky here, but I asked him why and his response was "you're single, man.  You can do whatever and whoever you want."  Of course he was a little inebriated at the time, so I let it go, but it does beg the question, what can I do?

First let me address the "do whoever you want" piece, no I can not, nor would I want to.  I do not think I need to go any further on that one.

Now, let me address the "whatever I want" part of his comment.  I am obviously bound by the laws of society, so robbing a bank, streaking a neighborhood (have you seen what cold does to a man's *ahem*, no thank you), or grabbing that Caddy off the lot without paying for it are out of the question.

Then there is the moral/ethical rules in which we live (well some of us anyway).  I can not really wear a pink bikini and expect that not to bite me in my arse.  I can not lie on a resume (somebody hire me, please), I would probably forget I put it on there.  I can not call somebody's baby ugly (and have you seen some of the new models, what's up with that?), because that is just messed up.

Of course there is also the physical limitations involved in what I can and can not do.  For example, I can not dunk a basketball, I have tried many times (even Crossfit can't fix that limitation).  I can not sprout wings and soar above the clouds (again, damn you Crossfit!).  Making PBS stop running Caillou cartoons, out of my physical realm of possibilities.   I do not have the physical ability to drink 64 beers on a cross-country flight.

As much as I like to think I am the smartest man in the room (well, right now I am, since I am alone), I know I am usually not.  So, solving any complex equation by the famous mathematician Detarkian (that's not a real person, I just made that up, did you think it was?), is out of the question.  Understanding how the lymphatic system works is completely out of the question as well.  Hell, there are times every day hour that I forget why I walked into a room.

I have not hit that Powerball jackpot (I'm beginning to get impatient), so I am also limited to what I can do financially.  Again, that Caddy is not coming home with me, nor is the 2000 Ford Probe sitting on the side of the road with a for sale sign on it.  Oh, and any type of traveling will have to be done in a YMCA basketball league.  All the repairs/upgrades to my house, going to have to wait (sorry1970s interior doors, you have to stay).

So, what can I do?

I guess I can only do what I can do.

So, anxiety

Anybody that has suffered (yes suffered) with anxiety knows it can be the worst thing at that specific time.  I am not talking about being nervous at a job interview, or meeting a girl/boyfriend's parents, I am talking about crippling anxiety.

The anxiety I get will keep me awake for days at a time.  It will wake me up in a flash.  I will bounce between wanting to cry, to throw up, to throw something, to total exhaustion.  When I go into panic attack mode, I have symptoms that seem like a heart attack.  I get pains down my arms, chest pains, cold sweats, shortness of breath and a heart rate so high it feels like it could explode. 

I do not want anybody to touch me or talk to me, but I want somebody near me.  Just somebody being close to me is comforting, knowing that they are available is so important to me when I am battling my own mind.

I know that there are a lot of stresses that add to my anxiety (right now the list is way too long), but it typically manifests itself as a belief I have cancer (gee, I wonder where that comes from?).

Anxiety, for me at least, can make me fidgety and hyper while not allowing me to get stuff done.  It is like my ability to accomplish anything and rest are completely at odds.  I can be in the middle of something and the ability to focus is non-existent because I can not get my mind off something damaging. 

I do all that I can to curb my anxiety, and I am doing a nice job of it, but every once in a while it creeps up.  I work out like a madman (I love Crossfit), I pick up as many hobbies as possible (cooking, reading, cleaning, writing, etc.) just so I can try to keep my mind busy.  I have gone to my therapist to hash things out.  I surround myself with positive and amazing people on a daily basis, because I believe being around positive makes you positive.

Basically this entry is to say to people with anxiety, I get it.  It sucks and no amount of words can fix it.  It is also to say to those that are dealing with somebody that suffers with anxiety, it is not an easy thing to battle your own mind on a daily basis.  Just be there for them, and ask them what how you can be there.  Do not try to do too much and do not blow their concerns off.  Be patient.

So, my mom

Yes, shockingly enough, my mother is still alive.  She has not gone the way of most of my family members.  Although some day she will, and that will be the hardest day of my life.

My mother and I butt heads.  She can be passive aggressive, I can be stubborn and short with her.  She cooks with as much butter as a cow can produce, I like to cook "clean".  She can be over-the-top dramatic, I despise drama.  She hates swear words, I swear all the time (shit...see).  Hey we are like the odd couple...wait, is that wrong in some warped kinda way?

I love my mother, but she drives me crazy (it really isn't a long a trip, right down the PA turnpike).  When she asks the same question over and over in a slightly different way, it makes my head want to explode.  When she assumes things should be a certain way because "that is how it should be", I want to move to Denver (pretty sneaky, sis).  When she gossips to me, I want to turn the volume up on the TV.

However, I love her and she drives me crazy for the same reason, I see a lot of myself in her.  So when I see faults in her, I am probably seeing my own faults.  She tends to dwell on things, so do I.  She can be overprotective, so am I (my son will never play football, and I'm sure he will complain like I did).  She tends to stay in situations because she is afraid of the unknown, and I wish I could say I did not do the same thing, but I do.   She tends to make things about her...um...crap.

The good thing is I also I see the unbelievable in her, and I can only hope I have picked up some of those traits.

She is an avid reader.  She can not find Facebook on her computer (and no, she still has not found this blog), but she has a Nook and she downloads books probably as soon as they are printed (or is it non-printed?).  While our tastes in books are different, I know that my love of the written word comes mainly from her.  She always had a book in her hand when I was growing up.

I can remember when I got into reading, I would mention what I was reading, for example The Valachi Papers, and she would say she read it.  She never ceased to amaze me on how well-read she was, and still is (please mom, start reading Game of Thrones).

Do not mess with her kids, in any way, shape or form.  I am 35 years old and she still wants to make phone calls on my behalf, if she feels I have been wronged (so if you get one from my mom, I'm sorry).  She believes in protecting her flock and she also believes that a hug can be as powerful as a smack to the ass (my mom would say bum) when you have done wrong.

While I tend to try to do the opposite of my father when it comes to parenting, I find that a lot of times the right way coincides with what my mom did.

She is a tough West Mifflin chick from a Heinz 57 family (we are mutts), and she grew up in Pittsburgh when Steel was not just part of the football team name, it was a way of life.  Neither of us had affectionate fathers growing up, we both lost those fathers early on, we both went thru financial problems, we both had to deal with my sister as a teenager, we both went thru my divorce, and yet we have both picked ourselves up off the ground, dusted ourselves off and said "is that all you got?"  Although she still will not join Crossfit.

While she may like her house to be a blistering 76 degrees, and I like mine in the 68 degree range, I am very lucky I have her to tell me to turn up the heat...over and over and over and...OH MY GOSH MOM, I GET IT!