So, the whole therapist thing...

So I've had the opportunity to grow, like many people, a lot during my life.  I can't say that I've taken advantage of those opportunities.  I went thru a ten year stretch where I lost both my grandfathers, a grandmother, an uncle, an aunt and my father.  This all happened before I was 25.  It took a toll on me.  I could have found an outlet, like Crossfit, but I didn't.  Instead I went to therapy after my father, 54, died.

I'll be honest, I didn't like my therapist very much.  She didn't really listen and she didn't really show emotion.  She was stoic, which is OK for some people, but not really what would help me.  I didn't feel a connection, and while I know the patient does most of the heavy lifting in therapy, you still need the right coach.  I went to her for about 8 months, and when my insurance changed and wouldn't cover her, I didn't really mind.  I didn't feel any different than when I went in.  I freely admit it could have been because I wasn't really embracing the desire to change or grow, or maybe she's not that good.

Fast forward to my divorce, about 7 years after my father's death.  I knew I couldn't get thru this upheaval on my own.  I decided to give my old therapist a call, she couldn't help me because she didn't accept my insurance.  However, and by some miracle, she directed me to her partner, who did take my insurance.  Not taking insurance led me to the person that helped me grow and become a better person, father and hopefully someday husband.  It also led me to the person that has inspired me to go back to school for Marriage and Family Therapy.

So now that you know how I got to my therapist, here's why I stayed with her.  She was definitely warmer and more inviting than my previous therapist.  She wasn't afraid to call me out with questions and to clarify what she was asking.  Most importantly, she listened to what I was saying and went with that, she didn't try to take me down a different path.  She wasn't afraid to laugh or be empathetic during our sessions.  I got the feeling that she genuinely cared and at times enjoyed our sessions.  That meant a lot to me.

During my time with her, I recently stopped seeing her because I'm in a good place and I know I can always go back, I had several key takeaways.

First, you can not change what others think, do, feel or say.  You can't do it, it's impossible.  That was/is one of the hardest struggles I deal with on a daily basis.  I repeat that to myself everyday, multiple times a day, and I still forget.  I am reminded that I have no control over another person every time I look at my three year old daughter.  Her bright blue eyes, blonde hair and scrunched little nose can hide a holy terror at times.  If I can't control a person that weighs a quarter of what I weigh and is less than half my height, how can I control someone bigger than that?

Second, make yourself happy.  Sure that sounds selfish, but if you're happy, then most likely you are going to make those around you happy.  Is that sappy and gooey, sure, but it's true.  During my marriage, and in just about all other aspects of my life, I put others before me...all the time.  It's good to do that on occasion, but it just means you aren't concentrating on personal growth, in my opinion.  Once I started concentrating on my own happiness I found that  I generally love doing things for other people.  Sometimes I have to reign it back in, but I get a high when I help somebody.  So for me, I'm kinda lucky, I get to be happy now by helping other people.

Third, there is no shame in going to a therapist.  I am a better person now than I was before I started.  It's like starting a work out regimen, a new diet, a new hobby, etc., you will get better the more you practice or put into it.  I can't really explain it more than that.

Fourth, therapy only works if you are open to change.  If you go into it with a closed mind, you won't get what you need out of it.  You must be willing to look at yourself.  I'm talking the emotional equivalent of standing in front of the mirror naked in horrible positions.  I found things out about myself I didn't even know.  Some really shook me to my core, and helped me build the foundation for who I'm trying to become.

Finally, and this one was unexpected, if you don't like your therapist, then find one that will help you.  I have wondered how I would be if I found a therapist more in tune with me after my father died, but I can't change that.

Now I admit I'm a work in progress, but I know I have a good beginning and I'm excited to see how this turns out.

M