So, what do I want

I'm not sure if I am going thru a mid-life crisis (actually I'm past my mid life according to my family's check out time, attractive quality, I know) or a divorce awakening, but I have really been trying to figure out what I want (and not just for dinner, that's pizza most of the time).  And I'm just going to focus on myself here, of course I want the best for my kids, world peace, to hit Powerball and for my beloved Pittsburgh Pirates to win the World Series (really who doesn't want that?).

I know that I want to be a good great father to my children.  It is funny, despite having a poor relationship with my father, he is the one person that has taught me the most about being a dad.  I try to do the opposite of what he did when I was growing up.  I do my best not to yell at my kids, I do not think yelling advances a discussion or the growth of a child.  You better believe I will raise my voice to them, but I am not about top-of-the-lungs, grunting-while-you-do-it yelling.  He was, and it served no purpose (tho it's serving a great purpose for me now).

I try to make time to play with them every day, which can be difficult when you've done laundry, written, worked out, cleaned, studied, etc., but I know my father would come home and park himself in front of his computer for the night and he was done for the night.

I tell them and show them how much I love them.  I am an affectionate guy and my kids know that (lets see how long they let that one last, especially with my son).  My father never really said I love you to anybody and if you got a hug from him, it was usually a half-hearted one.

I know I want to be happy in my career.  Again, I have learned this one from my father as well (good gracious, do I have daddy issues or what?).  He hated his job with a passion and he brought it home with him.  I am not going to kid myself into believing I can find a career that will have me skipping home while singing Sweet Georgia Brown everyday, but I hope I can find one that has me doing that a lot.  I am back in school because of this very reason.  I was miserable in my previous career, and I will not subject my family and friends to that.

I know that I want to be healthier (Crossfit gushing alert).  Crossfit has centered me so much mentally and physically.  Today I did the work out twice.  It consisted of 100 lunges, 50 box jumps, 100 lunges, 40 box jumps, 100 lunges, 30 box jumps, 100 lunges, 20 box jumps, 100 lunges and finally (yep you guessed it) 10 box jumps.  I needed this both physically and mentally.  I have had a couple trying days and I took it out on that wooden box like you would not believe.  I did everything I could to turn that damn thing into toothpicks (for the record box-1, me-0).  My weight is down, my blood pressure is down,my stress is down, my endurance is up, my strength is up and my confidence is up.  I'm getting healthier.  As I like to tell a fellow crossfitter, we're putting tread back on the tires.

The last big thing I know I want is what I want in my next relationship (and this was a lot harder than I thought it would be).  Of course I want somebody I can trust, somebody that makes me laugh, somebody that will put up with my constant talking, somebody I am attracted to, etc., but I think I am figuring out what else I want (I reserve the right to change my mind, just sayin')

When I was seeing my therapist (may that woman get everything she ever wants), she asked me if I knew of a relationship that I thought was healthy.  I had to really think about this, but ultimately I did find one.  It happened to be the same friend that kicked me in the ass when I first got divorced.

In my eyes, his relationship isn't two people trying to be the same person.  They have kept their individuality (which really isn't that what attracted you to the person in the first place?), meaning they have their own interests and their own time.  He is a sports nut, she is not.  She is into art, he is from central Pennsylvania (kidding!).  He is a beer guy, she is a wine gal.

Of course they love each other.  From what I can tell, they have a date night together every weekend.  They have a dog that is like their child that they both raise together as a team.  They share interests (and surprisingly they have ended up liking some of their partner's interests), but they aren't the same person.

It comes down to this for me; I don't want to date myself (um...wait, I mean...), I want to date somebody that makes me better, and I hope that whoever I date, I make better.

Oh and did I mention I also want to hit Powerball?

M