So...dreams

So...dreams (slippy* lil buggers)

If the idea of achieving your dreams were concrete (and maybe your dreams involve concrete in some way, who am I to judge)mine would be as elusive as my two year old avoiding bedtime with a bag of M&Ms in her system (thank you to her grandmother), as confusing as someone on Twitter admitting they were wrong and would be as clear as mud in a blender full of protein powder.

I have long wanted to be a novelist, that is my dream. I have started quite a few projects (I like the word project because it makes feel like I am building something) but I have finished exactly zero of them (at least I'm consistent). I get so into the idea, tear into it like a frozen Kit Kat (two of them are well over 20,000 words),only to have it melt all over the dash of car. Sure I notice it later, but it is just mainly realizing I have to clean melted goop.

I tend to be very motivated and then I just fade away...kinda like this blog thingy (next entry scheduled for June 2020). I could say it is because life gets in the way (sorta true), writer's block (definitely true), fear of success (hahaha), fear of failure (nope) but really what it comes down to is actually doing it.

Sure I have an amazing family I like to spend time with, a solid job, household responsibilities but to say I do not have 10 minutes a day to jot dahn* a note or an idea that needs fleshed out, handwriting or typing a few paragraphs in between the constant "Daddy, can I have <insert stupid request here>?" or to research on the Google machine is absurd. Of course I can do those things, but I am more interested in why I am not doing them.

What the hell is wrong with me (aside from the obvious)? Why won't I keep chasing my dream? If I weighed all the time I decided to just "relax on the couch" (why did I put that in quotation marks), all the time I flipped thru the Netflix options and all the time I have used to peruse Twitter, well it would weigh nothing, but damn even using just 10% of that time I would have finished 10 novels.

So I am going to do my best to chase my dreams using just 10% of that truly irreplaceable time...starting tomorrow of course.





*Pittsburghese

So...stress

So…Stress can suck it

I am so stressed out by stress.

There are days when I try to figure why I am stressed and that stresses me out, not necessarily because I do not know what has stressed me out, but because the list can be endless. Who needs all this stress, well apparently, I do, actually I do not, but I will not stress out about that, or will I?

I try to do what I can to control stress: therapy (yep), writing (yep…no not on the blog but elsewhere, gosh you are needy), meds (definitely yep), eating (triple scoop yep). With all that I still have stress. I actually have stress over how to control my stress.

You see, that is because I am an idiot. My physician recently decided she did not want to write sleep aides (of which I have a yearly script of 30, that’s right I use less than 30 pills a year but now I can not even get that) or clonazepam for anxiety attacks (another med I use less than 30 pills a year) so now I have stress about either finding a new physician or trying to deal with the few times I would need these pills. Arrrrrrgh!

I used to workout twice a day, but now I have three kids which require five times the effort and seven times the money with one third the energy and half the time (somebody do the math on that). What that convoluted sentence means (it sounded funnier in my head) is that I have been neglecting my workouts, ok I have not worked out regularly in three years. So now I stress out when I do not work out because I know what I am doing to my health (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, culinarily) and on the occasion I do work out I stress out over what I could be doing at home or how I may be putting my wife (what…dinkus married me?) out. This shit sucks…oops I have a kid reading over my shoulder…I mean this stuff stinks.

I have been told the best way to control stress is to let go, but I am also reminded that if you love something let it go and if it comes back…you know what, who cares?

I really, and I mean really, want to control stress. Crap (I am a learning computer)…now I think I am stressing out over wanting to control too much.