So, what I really want to say to my kids

As a parent you need to have a filter in what you say to your kids.  Since I tend to swear on occasion all the time, this has been one of the hardest things for me to adapt.  The good news is neither of my kids know I write a blog, so I can say whatever I want here.

"Daddy, can I have a juice box."
-You want a juice box at 8 o'clock at night, hell no!  I am not going to be up until midnight because you want to put as much sugar into your blood stream as humanly possible...hell no! 

"Daddy, I'm full."
-You are full of crap is what you are full of.  You just want what your brother has, and I offered that to you and you said no, so deal with your choices.

"Daddy, I want that."
-It is good to want things, now get a job and pay for it yourself.

"Daddy, Avery hit me."
-Are you kidding me, Luke?  You outweigh her by 20 pounds and have at least 6" on her.  Beat her ass and she will not hit you again. 

"Waaaaaaaaah....sniffle.....waaaaaaaah..."
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Daddy, I don't want (insert any food I make for Luke)"
-Sucks to be you, kiddo.

"Daddy, I can't wait for Santa to come."
-You know what, there is no Santa.  I am Santa, your mother is Santa, your grandmother is Santa.  We pay for your toys, so when you thank some made up fat man, you might as well thank Homer freakin' Simpson, he is as real as Santa.

"Daddy, do you love me?"
-Most of the time, but sometimes...

"Daddy, I don't feel well."
-Seriously, you never feel well.  We are not going to the pediatrician's office again.  Take an ibuprofen, drink some tea and suck it up.

"Daddy, I don't want to go to school/the sitter's house."
-Too. Damn. Bad.  Daddy wants some time as far from you as possible.

"Daddy, do you like the picture I drew" (This one is for Mikey)
-No, Avery, I do not like the picture you drew.  You say it is a picture of me, well it is a crappy picture of me.  If I really looked like two squiggly lines and a lopsided circle/triangle/square thing, I would shoot myself...a lot.

"Daddy, you're the best daddy ever."
-No shit.